what are we?

The dreaded more-than-friends less-than-lovers line everyone seems to hate but also enjoy walking. Situationships are when it’s not platonic between two people, but you’re also not an official couple. Perhaps she still talks to her iffy ex. Or you’ve got too much on your plate. Or they are your first choice and you’re sitting on delivered. For some reason, there’s a…situation. The relationship between you and your love interest isn’t clear cut — certainly not enough for a label. 

These days, situationships are left, right, and center. Tinder’s 2022 Year in Swipe reported a 49% increase of youth (18-25) adding “situationship” to their bios, wishing to develop an ambiguous relationship without the traditional pressure. With increasingly higher and higher standards being enabled by social media and the mix-up of wanting a special someone instead of a specific someone, it makes sense that people shy from the commitment. 

it’s complicated: pt 1 – the fear of it all

The vague nature of a situationship allows for more flexible boundaries — you’re not required to tell her every time you go to a party, monogamy and being exclusive is up in the air until it isn’t, and best of all: no commitment. No feelings…right?

Slavoj Žižek, a Slovenian philosopher, wrote: “Falling in love is really just too traumatic. Because your life will be totally ruined. We are too narcissistic to risk any kind of accidental trip or fall. Even into love.” We value our autonomy, the thought that we don’t care and therefore they don’t have power over us, our freedom to kiss anyone. 

Being vulnerable with anyone — in bed or about your utmost passions — is a risk. A question: can I show you a part of me and will you accept it? Will you turn away? 

The potential rejection is more than enough to stop people from opening up in the first place. From messaging first to asking them to be official, humans shy away from what hurts. We are self-preserving creatures. Fear of commitment and feelings encourage us to seek ways to leave (regardless of if that’s what we really want). Establishing a situationship before anything else can get its foot in the door is a shield, a precaution, a messy defence system.

it’s complicated: pt 2 – “friend” requests

Everything means something. They’ve left you on delivered for five hours but are active? They’ve got 76 Spotify followers who are girls? They still have their ex posted? Oh, but it’s all on a case-by-case basis.

Social media allows for people to be in contact 24/7, but talking to your partner (official or not) constantly is not healthy. It’s draining. It eats into your free time, makes it easy to give away time meant for you. You are primarily your own person, not their talking stage. 

A brief scroll on Tiktok can expose you to radically different types of relationship-related content, from a cute promposal to a breakdown of attachment styles to a girl telling a storytime about her last horrific breakup. The presented perfection of other relationships makes you question your own — or your lack of one. If they have that, why don’t I? 

The impossible standards are detrimental to any type of relationship. Expectations should be made by the ones involved with each other, not pixels on a screen.

it’s complicated: pt 3 – wanting to be wanted

We are simultaneously told to love ourselves and that we are unlovable through social media, everyday conversations, and our own brains. The question of being desired, whether platonically, romantically, or sexually, is always breathing down your neck. 

Knowing someone loves or wants you lets you know it’s possible. You’re appreciated, for one reason or another. 

But when you get involved with someone just to get involved, not to get involved with them — then you’ll be inevitably disappointed. They might want to hear about your day, but they’re also unaware of their privilege. They’re not just someone to steal a jacket from, they’ve also got intolerable friends and are late for everything. Chasing the experience instead of someone you’re in love with will undermine the significance of being able to hold their hand. 

People are people, warts and all. Jumping into a situationship just for validation, for attention, for companionship will only end up in someone leaving again.

for the plot vs for your sanity

Navigating the minefield of relationships is not easy. The reasons why the ambiguity of situationships are appealing have existed long before the label did, and caution around relationships will never fade — handing someone a part of you is terrifying. 

Regardless of what you’re looking for and the exact nitty-gritties, it only takes one — one person who is willing to try with you. However, the sea is rocky, so don’t force your ship one way or another and have to watch the crash from the backseat. It’s alright to stay on dry land, and it’s also alright to take the jump and brave a situationship. At best, you’ll find someone who makes the risk worth it, someone who’s on the same page as you, and at worst you’ll have a good story.