Floating in a bottle in an overflowing sink in the Innis College men’s bathroom was a sealed bottle with some rolled up paper inside. Once the faucet was turned off and the water cleaned up, the contents of the bottle were found and reported to the editors of the Innis Herald. The document inside has been reprinted here in its entirety. What follows are… 

The Movember Diaries

• Day 1: The Dodgers beat the Blue Jays. I feel like Old Yeller at the end of the movie. Stubble doesn’t keep me any warmer as I walk back home in the November chill.
  • Facial Hair Level: Barely there.
• Day 2: Ate toast for all three meals. Still reeling from Blue Jays losing.
  • Facial Hair Level: Reflective of depressive state.
• Day 3: The Innis Herald came out. First spark of joy I’ve felt in the past 30 hours. First time I’ve ever grown a moustache before, and so far, this shit fucking sucks.
  • Facial Hair Level: 5 o’clock shadow all day.
• Day 4: Had my last post-exam midterm… I am going to get an Etsy Witch to place a curse upon my professor for giving us 50 minutes for 2 essays. I wish my moustache was longer so I could twirl it thoughtfully.
  • Facial Hair Level: Wispy.
• Day 5: I miss what we had together. Every day, I think about the way I used to rub it into my face until it was covered in white foam. Can’t wait until I can use my favourite shaving cream again.
  • Facial Hair Level: Short, longing for it to be gone.
• Day 6: Thirsty Thursday at the Madison Avenue Pub. My buddies say that women love a man with a moustache, but here I am, just itchy and alone. Facial hair at 1.7/10.
  • Facial Hair Level: Awkward. 
• Day 7: Went to Free Film Friday and saw the cutest girl in the front row. She was with her friends and before I could work up the nerve to talk to her at the end of the movie, they left together. Probably a good thing. I look patchy as shit…
  • Facial Hair Level: Not all there.
• Day 8: The Leafs just got whipped by the Bruins, and I have a paper due tomorrow. I don’t know if I can go on like this anymore. Facial hair at 2.5/10.
  • Facial Hair Level: Noticeable.
• Day 9: The moustache is starting to look pretty, well… We might be getting somewhere.
  • Facial Hair Level: Encouraging
• Day 10: My roommate got back from his parents’ place and came back with a carton of his dad’s Chinese cigarettes. Did I mention how much I love my life?
  • Facial Hair Level: Too happy to notice.
• Day 11: Smoked too many Chinese cigarettes and woke up feeling so sick, I didn’t go to my 9AM. Threw up a little and it got in my moustache. Gross.
  • Facial Hair Level: Long enough to get sticky 🙁
• Day 12: My razor is making eyes at me. “You just want to shave it off, don’t you? Get all clean and smooth.” I had to take a cold shower. Nearly halfway there.
  • Facial Hair Level: Persistent. 
• Day 13: Just found the girl from FFF on Instagram. We already follow each other and she just posted about going to the next one… I guess I have my Friday night plans. Hope she likes a moustachioed man.
  • Facial Hair Level: Hopeful.
• Day 14: Left the movie… amazing. Even more amazing is that I’m getting coffee with Tanya tomorrow. She said she’d been following me on Instagram for a while, and that I looked even cuter clean shaven… I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.
  • Facial Hair Level: The real deal… 
• Day 15: Brothers, I have betrayed you. I leave this as my last will and testament to the days of Movember. Know that I have cherished our moments together, and that I will always keep our goals of furthering men’s health globally. Sorry guys, but I gotta see about a girl.
  • Facial Hair Level: Gone too soon.