Lately, many shows have been making light of—and in some cases, glorifying—the tradition of arranged marriages that is heavily entrenched in South Asian culture (I’m looking at you Indian Matchmaking). But what they play off for laughs is actually a pretty accurate depiction of what still goes on in India, as well as in some Indian families here in North America. In fact, according to a 2018 survey, approximately 93% of marriages in India are still arranged. 

While it may seem useful to have what is essentially a free dating service—run by individuals who supposedly know you the best—the whole process is very transactional and doesn’t allow for any of the fairytale-type romance depicted in 

most Bollywood movies. The role of the individuals to-be-wed in the process is actually quite minimal, with the parents of the prospective bride or groom first identifying suitable candidates based on age, career, wealth, family background, and often, caste. Then, the list of candidates is narrowed down to one suitor, and the parents of both parties discuss the possible match. The individuals themselves are then allowed to meet one another in the presence of their respective families (which, to be honest, does nothing to diffuse the awkwardness), or in certain cases, a respectable chaperone. From that point on, there may be a few follow-up meetings before the individuals are required to make a decision about whether they want to pursue a marriage. Sometimes, they aren’t given a choice. Quite often, individuals may be pressured into an arranged marriage in order to fulfill their parents’ desire to have grandchildren, to improve their family’s social standing with a good match, or simply because it is expected in our culture. 

I know that right now I’m, depressing all of you, shattering your dreamy-eyed expectations of an elaborate seven-day Indian wedding—which do happen by the way, complete with various ceremonies, expensive outfits, piles of food that make you feel like you’re about to burst, and an endless number of relatives that you have never seen before in your life. Some of you may even attempt to quote statistics to me—and yes, I am aware that a study conducted in 2012 found that the divorce rate of arranged marriages is less than 4%. However, you have to consider that most arranged marriages occur in India, a country where access to divorce is limited (yes, even in 2022), and for a long time, it was considered to be (and in some areas, it still is) very “taboo.” These restrictions often render divorce as not a real option. 

Furthermore, the practice of arranging marriages is deeply rooted in misogyny and prejudice. Drawing on the experiences of the women in my family, a significant portion of the prospective grooms often expect their future wives to be docile and agreeable, maintain the household, raise the children, and in some cases—quite disturbingly—act similar to their mothers. In the past, the-bride-to-be may not have even been allowed to work after getting married, depending on the groom and the societal expectations of the particular region in India. As well, marrying outside of the faith or outside of one’s caste is still frowned upon in this day and age. Even my grandfather, possibly the sweetest man I have

ever met, “wouldn’t have hesitated to disown me [my mother] if I had decided to pursue a love match with a man outside of my caste.” 

In addition to the inherent toxicity of the practice it used to be quite common for matches to be arranged when either one or both of the individuals were fresh out of adolescence, and it still occurs in certain parts of India today. My own mother was only a year older than I am now when her parents pushed her into marrying my father, a man who was not only seven years older than her but also virtually a stranger. A year later, she ended up having me and had to navigate raising a child whilst only just having entered adulthood herself, all the while learning to coexist with the stranger she had just tied herself to and living in a new country where she knew absolutely no one. 

“My parents planted the idea of an arranged marriage in my head early in life,” she told me. “It was never up for discussion, it was always a guarantee—an expectation.” At eighteen years old, about to enter university and having absolutely no experience in dating due to her parents’ strict rules, it was a surprise when they suddenly sprung the match on her. “My mother informed me about him [my father] prior to meeting him and his parents. He was the only one that I know of that my parents were considering for my arranged marriage.” 

While her mother was more open-minded about the topic of 

marriage, her father was not. He insisted that my mother marry 

this man that she didn’t really know much about, aside from the few 

facts that he cared about (i.e. good job, good family, and of marrying 

age). As she described to me, “I met with your father and his family 

only twice—about an hour long each time—before I was required to 

make a decision about our arrangement. It didn’t really give us enough 

time to get to know one another.” 

As I am sure that many of you could not fathom being married at 

such a young age (especially when considering that some of us can’t 

even take care of ourselves beyond microwaving instant ramen and 

consuming copious amounts of caffeine), neither could she. “I had a 

different plan [than getting married so young]—I wanted to attend 

university and have a job before I got married. I didn’t anticipate getting married before turning 23…I never planned on having children so young.” 

When asked about how she felt after 21 years of marriage and whether she held any regrets, her response was quite emotional, “I wholly regret following my parents’ decision…maybe because I never had the chance to explore dating, not just because of my parents but because I was scared of ending up with the wrong person and making mistakes, I really regret listening to my parents instead of trying to marry for love. The one thing that I don’t regret, is that I am no longer the passive girl who allowed herself to be pushed into marrying some random stranger. I’m a stronger, more independent person who has accomplished so much, even if it’s not what I originally planned.”

While I am in no way intending to spit on centuries of South Asian history and tradition, nor am I attempting to perpetrate the commonly held Western ideal that women in Eastern cultures “need saving,” I do want to stress the great need we have to eradicate the practice of arranged marriages. While most of you have never given a second thought to getting married besides your dream wedding Pinterest board or your perfect spouse, I live in fear of the day that my mother’s past becomes my future.