A reflection on my time at university and challenging myself to do more in my final term. 

A new year, a new semester, and I am imbued with a new (yet old) sense of motivation to finally achieve more than just coasting through classes and maybe hanging out with one friend a week. My time at this lovely institution has honestly been rife with an unpleasant, soul-crushing, “keep your head down and don’t talk to anyone”-inducing feeling of isolation and an envy for people enjoying themselves doing extra-curricular activities. 

I always said that being a commuter student at a university where everyone and everything is so entrenched in the city is like starting by running backwards. Compound that sense of isolation with two-ish years of interaction behind a screen and then interaction behind a mask—which is worse, who’s to say?—and I can understand where that dread has crawled out from. 

My friend likes to make fun of me for saying the same thing every semester: “this term, I am going to get involved.” I have tried to keep consistent with my initial motivation time and time again to do things like write articles, join clubs, meet new people and just be a part of the pre-formed community that UofT is while I’m still here. However, an irksome cocktail of burnout, anxiety, and self-doubt tend to get the best of me before I even get going. This year I am hoping things are different. I am actively trying to be intentional in doing things that make me scared or uneasy but in that good way; the kind of feeling that you get in your spine that tingles when you have no idea what to expect. Following that awkward feeling has gotten me to do things I normally wouldn’t and has forced me to stick by the commitments I have made. Like volunteering at Caffiends or writing this article (which I am totally not doing ~2 hours before the deadline). 

It can be really, tremendously easy to blame circumstances and the weird turn of events that have put me in the zombie-like rut for the first 3 or so years of my university tenure. And it can also be really easy to blame myself for not doing more and making an effort; I even find myself tending to disfigure my current self from my flawed past. Neither of these factors can fully encompass the weird ways our life comes to be what it is. So, in my last year, I am trying to go easy on myself and recognize that I am a composite of everything I have done and learned while also not trying to worry about the unfortunate side to unkind fate. 

In reality, my time at UofT hasn’t been all that bad, and I do find myself quite fond of the memories I have made here. Could I have done more during first year? Probably! But upon understanding myself, growing, and learning, I now know that I likely just wasn’t at that point in my life to put myself out there and do those things I so envied that others could do. I would assess people who were able to do 5 different clubs and write dozens of articles  as “jobless behaviour,” which wasn’t really nice of me now that I think about it. 

To the chagrin of my friend who jabs at me, I believe this year will be different to those prior. I am ready to take on the world! Not really, but through following what scares me, I hope to actually be one of those people with “jobless behaviour.” The year is still early and a lot can change in a couple months, but I hope to stick by my vow of getting the most out of this last term. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a chance to write about how I fare at the end of this semester.