The recent passing of David Lynch has affected members of our community in different ways. Some have posted a tribute on Instagram and then moved on with their day, while others have watched one of his disturbing films to reflect on the memories he gave them. One young man, however, is taking the news harder than most.

Innis College cinema studies student Jack McLachlan has requested bereavement leave from classes for the next week while dealing with Lynch’s death. “You really can’t describe how much his movies have affected me.” While dabbing his eyes with a tissue over a plate of cherry pie and a cup of black coffee, McLachlan said, “When I first saw Eraserhead, I had to watch it five times in a row, and I would have watched it more if my awful parents hadn’t unplugged the router to stop me. No piece of media had ever spoken to me like that before. How can the university expect me to go to school after such devastating news?” McLachlan’s love for Lynch is so great that he claims to have shown the erotic thriller Blue Velvet to every first date he’s had. “Sure, all of them ghosted, but that’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t want someone as intellectually deficient as they are. I deserve a big-brained (and big-breasted) woman.” When asked if they were considering McLachlan’s request, several Cinema Studies Institute professors responded, “Wait, he was serious?” As a further tribute, McLachlan has taken up smoking in order to, like Lynch, eventually develop emphysema. “I want more than anything to know what it was like to be him. How can I expect to do that if I’m not suffering the way he did? Not until I’m hooked up to an oxygen tube will he and I finally be one.”

Robbie Janzen