Aquarius: As Jupiter and Mercury’s 47th moon (Christina) get ready to dance the cha-cha slide, you’ll experience the sudden urge to learn a new language. You’ll download Duolingo and spend hours teaching yourself how to compliment Luca’s red boots in Spanish before getting bored and taking up Turkish instead. You’ll rotate between Spanish and Turkish until giving up on the app entirely and realising that what you really needed in the first place was to just go touch some grass. 

Pisces: Due to a three degree shift in the position of Polaris, you’ll experience many changes in terms of the things that can sometimes change in one’s life. 

Aries: The ruffle in Saturn’s nose hairs means that you’ll soon meet the love of your life (whether this is an actual human being or a kitten you rescued from the sewers), so put on a smile, and jump around in the puddles like a happy little idiot. This is your world and we’re just living in it. 

Taurus: As Mars and Uranus enter into your 5th and 83rd houses respectively, you’ll experience a renewed sense of motivation that you must direct towards the neglected aspects of your life. You’ll also gain a disturbing amount of information related to the Italian Renaissance artist Fra Fillipo Lippi. 

Gemini: Because of a sixty degree shift in the position of Proxima Centauri (this is a star) your compatibility with fermented vegetables will rise. Take advantage of this, and boost your immunity.   

Cancer: Given Mercury’s increasingly turbulent wholesale price index and Neptune’s virtually nonexistent gross domestic product, you’ll spend the next month feeling particularly lost and confused. I recommend you listen to some Egyptian music – it’s the solution to everything. 

Leo: Between the cross elasticity of Saturn’s demand and Jupiter’s sweaty armpit, things are not looking great for you, and you’ll experience multiple setbacks due to technological malfunctions. For example, the TTC will break down at the worst possible moment for you sometime in the next couple weeks. You’ll try and avoid it, but I can promise that you’ll be getting on the TTC at some point or another after being left with no other choice. Also, the elevators in Robarts will suddenly stop working, and you’ll be stuck for hours with a random stranger who won’t stop talking about their theory that it’s possible to identify a liberal from a conservative by asking for their answer to the question of whether or not cereal is a soup. 

Virgo: The apparent magnitude of Epsilon Eridani’s protoplanetary disk suggests that you have become a prisoner of routine. I recommend that you switch things up; go attend a Varsity Blues hockey game or sneak into a random humanities lecture. 

Libra: Venus and Neptune have entered into a fierce battle for possession over your 72nd house. This means that you’ll either experience an unbelievable amount of stress, or enter into a state of tranquillity so deep and profound that it becomes a problem for the people around you. 

Scorpio: As Saturn’s capital adequacy ratio experiences an imbalance, so will you. You’ll fall down a set of stairs and land at the feet of a mysterious stranger. Do not simply get up and walk away, for a conversation with this mysterious stranger will reveal to you the true meaning of life. 

Sagittarius: Mercury is in retrograde, and there’s not much that can be done about it. My advice would be to just grab a bag of seeds and go hang out with the pigeons – see what you can learn from them. 

Capricorn: There is an active galactic nucleus headed at full speed towards Mars. For others, this won’t mean much, but for you it means that you’ll develop an obsession with true crime podcasts and virtual dissection labs. I cannot tell you how long this obsession will last.