Aquarius: The bend in Neptune’s brow paired with Jupiter’s deviated septum suggests that you need to get your priorities straight. Stop indulging your weird obsession with Hallmark movies and get some sleep.  

Pisces: Mercury’s entry into your 21st house means that this month people will be particularly favourable to you, so don’t be afraid to ask your TA for an extension, a magic lamp, or a seat in the House of Commons. 

Aries: Based on Neptune’s debt equity ratio, it would seem as though someone in your immediate circle has been trying to tell you something important for quite some time now. Pay attention to micro expressions; read between the lines of each text you receive; be receptive to changes in the weather. There is no such thing as paranoia right now. 

Taurus: As Uranus and Mars enter into your 10th and 44th houses, respectively, it is imperative that you avoid the bathroom on the 13th floor of Robart’s and confront all the negative energy that you’ve been harbouring as of late – perhaps by confiding in the pigeons near St. George station, taking a cold shower, or locking yourself up in your room and listening to heavy metal. 

Gemini: Jupiter’s tranquillitas ordinis has been disturbed which means that you’ve become especially prone to impulse. I recommend that you wait a month before thinking again about dropping out of university, getting bangs, or doing anything equally as life-changing. For the time being, satisfy your impulsive nature by committing to a bunch of smaller (but still super exciting) changes, like switching to a new brand of toothpaste. 

Cancer: The frequencies of Uranus’ beta particles have reached an unprecedented magnitude, meaning that your ego is about to take a huge hit. Brace yourself.  

Leo: Due to a seven degree shift in the position of Betelgeuse (pronounced “beatle juice” for some reason), you’ll notice a shift in the inner state of your being. What was once a distant memory will become the present moment; what was once fear will become rage; what was once blood will become plasma. It’s either that or you’re just sleep deprived, so you might feel a little wobbly going down the stairs.

Virgo: Saturn’s two moons, Abed and Sabrina, are drifting contra-parallel to the planet’s rings, meaning that you’ve been lying to yourself, and not without consequence. Now is the time to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, “is this self-care, or am I just procrastinating?” 

Libra: The essential dignity of Neptune’s consumer price index during this time of the year suggests that your mind is cluttered with self doubt and useless information, like the fact that the world record for the longest time spent brushing one’s own teeth is 45 minutes, which, by the way, is just pathetic — it’s like, go big or go home. In fact, you can probably get rid of whatever self doubt you have by breaking that record. 

Scorpio: Due to a fifty-three degree shift in the position of Sirius, you’ll find yourself on Reddit more often than usual questioning everything you’ve ever known to be true, like why salt is the only rock that’s socially acceptable to eat, or why they don’t have random people competing alongside athletes in the Olympics, like as a standard of comparison to shut up all the people who say “I could do that.” Basically it’ll be just shower thoughts and nothing else for an entire month. 

Sagittarius: Given Mercury’s non-performing assets and the recessionary gap between Bellatrix and other neighbouring stars, it’s very clear that you’ll lose some of your teeth in the next month. 

Capricorn: As Saturn and Venus enter into your 9th and 23rd houses, respectively, you’ll find yourself so deeply consumed by the holiday spirit that you’ll quickly become insufferable to everyone around you. Pay no attention to them and carry on with your cookie-decorating and snowman-building until you become insufferable to yourself as well.