Aquarius: Based on Mercury’s entry into your 8th house, I can confidently say that you’ll experience a great deal of changes regarding some of the aspects of your life that usually remain stagnant but in fact have a tendency to change from time to time and, as such, will change during this time, as well as other times to come.

Pisces: Based on Jupiter’s entry into Mercury’s rearview mirror, it would seem as though you were sticking your nose into places where it shouldn’t be. Stop it. Don’t be that person. 

Aries: Because of the asset turnover ratio and velocity of circulation with respect to Uranus’ sixteen moon-adjacent celestial figures, you’ll find yourself experiencing a great surge in creative energy. Let this creative energy guide you all the way to Robarts Library, where you can find a way to make the exterior look less like a constipated turkey. 

Taurus: You may have already noticed the radical wave of confidence that has swept over each and every aspect of your life due to certain changes in Betelgeuse’s stomach lining. Do yourself a favour and bring the confidence down a little bit. Okay? Because this isn’t Hell’s Kitchen. Stop chopping up your cucumbers like that. 

Gemini: The foreign exchange reserves between Saturn’s rings and Neptune’s fifth moon $helly suggest that you have yet to heal from your most recent heartbreak. Some might say that you must forgive and forget in order to move on, but … maybe you don’t? Like, whoever actually thought that would be beneficial in any way? Embrace the angst, and go listen to some Adele. 

Cancer: Given the paradox of thrift in relation to galactic bodies burning at a temperature greater than 215 degrees celsius as well as the imminent threat of a credit default swap between the Sun and its step-father in law, I would urge you to hold back on making any risky investments this month, like funnelling half of your life’s savings into your roommate’s new startup which promises to deliver the world a revolutionary new product called “diet water.” 

Leo: Given the entry of Venus and Mars into your 5th and 23rd houses, respectively, it’s clear that you’ll enter into a deep state of nostalgia that’ll continue in perpetuity or at least until the month is over. This will largely manifest itself in a newfound appetite for Vine compilations from 2010 — a simpler time. We’re talking: “Road work ahead? Yeah, I sure hope it does,” and “Look at this graph,” and “AMERICA EXBLAIN” and “I’m in me mum’s car.” If this appetite becomes insatiable to a degree of concern, you can always get help at 1-800-FR-E-SH-A-VOCA-DO.

Virgo: Due to a four degree shift in the position of Cassiopeia, your compatibility with protein powder will rise by 60 percent. Take advantage of this and bulk up. Become the world’s next heavyweight wrestling champion. Or don’t. Maybe just allow yourself to be able to open up a jar of pickles without help from anyone. Whatever floats your boat. 

Libra: Get over your road rage.

Scorpio: The unequal distribution of shareholder value amongst certain galactic bodies in the east-western hemisphere of the Milky Way means that your patience will run thinner than usual for the next month. Make a quick trip to Shopper’s and stock up on those apology cards that say “sorry for being such a drag” with images of random old ladies smoking cigarettes underneath. 

Sagittarius: The twitch in Neptune’s right eye suggests that you’re starved for attention. I recommend you take a few days off from schoolwork and lectures before midterm season hits to do some soul-searching. 

Capricorn: According to a 14 degree shift in the position of Polaris, you’ll generate a great deal of attention from your peers this month. Maybe you’ll single handedly get rid of grade deflation, or change U of T’s ridiculous POSt system, or find a legal loophole in the non-refundable meal plans purchased by those of us living in residence. Or maybe you’ll walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Regardless, all eyes will be on you.