I am mentally ill. I have been fully diagnosed with depression and anxiety by several doctors.

I was, of course, not always someone with a diagnosis. This diagnosis took at least a year (and likely more) of me experiencing symptoms for me to maybe admit that I might have depression. It took a crisis to get me to see a doctor.

(Everyone I knew with depression always seemed to have it worse than me. Sometimes, when I’m in a higher mood, I have trouble convincing myself that any depression I’ve experienced is real. But that’s another, longer story.)

Trying to find help at U of T

As you can guess, finding help at U of T backfired for me. This doesn’t mean you can’t get help at U of T, but it just didn’t work out for me.

You probably get tons of newsletters every week in your U of T email inbox. From your OSL, from your registrar, and from other institutions in this university. Some of them, if you’re lucky, will mention some mental wellness resources for you. You have to be even luckier for any of them to actually be helpful.

My OSL writes in a newsletter to “keep your body, mind, and soul healthy” with resources like Health and Wellness. They do not actually say how those resources are helpful to you; instead, you are meant to guess what these resources actually have for you and how to access them. This is the bare minimum effort and leaves you to do the tedious research when you are already burdened with the hard work of getting help in the first place. Institutions who strive to support your mental wellness should also strive to make it as accessible for you as possible.

When I tried to access services at Health and Wellness in my mental health crisis, it didn’t go well. I was told countless times that if I ever needed help to go to Health and Wellness. What I wasn’t told, however, was that when I was in crisis and needed to speak with a doctor that I would be turned away because Health and Wellness at U of T does not offer mental health walk-ins. I was offered an appointment instead, which would have taken over a month to access. In crisis (to put it lightly), that wasn’t a feasible option for my health.

(I had stayed up the whole night in crisis, waiting for Health and Wellness to open so that I could talk to a doctor and admit that I have depression. My thoughts were too overwhelming. When I was turned away, I wasted an hour and then visited my registrar as soon as it opened. I broke down.)

Finding help elsewhere

My general physician is where support for my mental wellness really started. I visited the walk-in clinic that I had visited before when I was worried my cold had developed into something severe the previous winter. I waited anxiously for them to call my name and let me into the patient’s room. When my doctor finally saw me, he asked what I was in for. I was honest.

(“I think I have depression,” I told him, and broke down.

He pursed his lips and nodded. We went over my symptoms – do you enjoy your hobbies, do you have issues with fatigue or insomnia, are you suicidal. I answered his questions honestly.)

He agreed with me – I likely have depression. He can only do so much for me as a GP, but we went over my options and I left with a bottle of Cipralex and a referral to CAMH.

It took a little over a month for my referral to CAMH to actually get me a psychiatrist there in ambulatory care. He’s a very nice man– very empathetic, and very good at helping you believe that you will overcome your illness.

We went over my medication and my continued symptoms together. From seeing my GP I had already gone from a low dose of Cipralex to a fairly high one, with little change in symptoms. He agreed with my doctor’s diagnosis and helped me understand my options from there.

Medication has never been a big deal to me. It makes sense to me that if you take it when you have a cold, you take it when you have an illness like depression. (Although, that’s not to say it is necessary; plenty of people are not comfortable with medication for mental illnesses and find successful ways to heal without it!) My psychiatrist and I went over my options together, and since I had already started medication we focused on what we could do with that. Since the medication I was already taking wasn’t doing much for me, we decided together that it would be a good idea to try to take another medication along with it, which is known to boost the effects of the medication I was already taking. Thanks to this medication and repeated visits to this psychiatrist, I’m lucky enough to have a dose of medication that works for me.

I no longer see this psychiatrist now that I know what medication I need my GP to prescribe me, but I’ve started therapy at CAMH instead. I got referred to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) on my first visit, and it took about six months for the waitlist to enrol me in a session. I haven’t been to many sessions since it’s only just started, but I am confident that it is a step in the right direction for my mental health.

Some other resources I accessed:

• Finding help at Stella’s Place

Stella’s Place is a rare gem in the city that offers free mental health services for young adults. I’ve accessed a few different services here, like their drop in mental health appointments (particularly helpful when I wasn’t doing CBT and didn’t have a private therapist).

Stella’s place offers a variety of services, from providing a relatively safe space to hang out to groups for yoga, DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) groups, etc. They have shorter waitlists than CAMH and are a great option if you’re just starting out on your path to getting help.

To get started, check their schedule for drop-in intake sessions and attend one of those. Then, you’ll be able to have a private intake session that will allow you to participate in their intake-only groups. They can be found at stellasplace.ca.

• Finding help through a private service

It turns out, with the health insurance you might have as a student at U of T, that you can get at least part of each session with a private therapist covered (as long as this therapist matches the given qualifications). With some research, I managed to find a therapist with a social working background covered completely by the university’s health insurance (and she was only a three minute walk from my place!)

To find a therapist in Toronto, there are several websites and resources available to help you with the search. I personally used Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com), since you can filter therapists by their illness specialty and by price range. There are many other filters to help, such as their sexuality, language, etc.

I’ve currently discontinued private therapy in order to complete CBT at CAMH, but I do plan on going back to it and making the most out of the university’s health insurance program!

• Finding help at the college registrar

Now, the registrar is not a way to get therapy by any means. They are, however, a great way to access help for your academic career when you are suffering from illness. The advisors I’ve met at my registrar have done everything in their power to help me, from giving me advice on my course load to writing letters to my professors on my behalf because of missed assignments. I owe a lot of, if not most of my continued academic career to them. You can make an appointment at the front desk of the registrar or by emailing them at registrar.innis@utoronto.ca.

Other resources

Good2Talk is free help line for post-secondary students in Ontario and one of the default resources you will be recommended as a university student. You can talk about a variety of issues with Good2Talk anonymously, from mental health to financial or school concerns. You can reach them at 1-866-925-5454.

If you are in crisis, the Gerstein Crisis Centre is an all day mental health crisis service. You can call them at 416-929-5200 to talk to someone, or access other services they offer such as their mobile crisis team, their crisis beds, etc. You can learn more at http://gersteincentre.org/our-crisis-services/.

A snapshot of where I am now

I am in a car with my mum driving home. She smokes a cigarette, I talk about the therapy I’ve been attending. I am nervous; she is happy and hopeful for me. We listen to folk music on my phone. My brother messages me about getting me coffee, and my dad waits at home with the dogs. I cannot wait to be home and sleep in a large bed that used to be mine with my animals.

“You sound like yourself,” my mum says. I’m not sure if it’s true, but I’m happy to believe her. It’s a step in the right direction.