Growing up, my mother always praised me for my so-called “wits and logical personality, ” often saying that “a smart girl is a safe girl”. However, every February, in some weirdly scheduled subconscious routine, I become momentarily aware of the part that intellectualizing my feelings plays in the downfall of many treasured interpersonal relationships. In the month of love, my mind is a mess and my heart is filled with an icky yet hopeful mix of envy, admiration and yearning to one day, feel as fearlessly as the so-called “dramatic and emotional” women that society so grossly deems inferior. 

From an evolutionary perspective, intellectualization and avoiding pain is a natural survival instinct that is undoubtedly beneficial. Even though avoidance and the “flight” instinct keeps us safe and guarded from threats, it’s difficult to truly live if we spend our entire time alive running away from hypothetical hurt. When we experience pain, the buildup of resentment, anger and sadness can be difficult to trust. Oftentimes, it seems that shutting down is safer than staying. Humans are social animals and we need each other in times of good and bad. In my experience, intellectualizing feelings makes it difficult to empathize with not only myself but also others. When we cannot process our own experience it is extremely difficult to detach from the situation and think from other perspectives which makes forgiving ourselves and others challenging. Often when I’m reflecting on past conflicts, it is difficult to remember how it made me feel as I personally reject vulnerability and instead, habitually collect and organize information about the situation kind of like a robot. I wish that I learned earlier that just as it’s important to stay strong, it’s crucial to let yourself be vulnerable. 

Growth and acceptance as a whole is also limited when we are stuck in the constant rationalization of painful situations, such as a breakup. Being young is full of situations which are messy, complex and illogical in a way that no amount of thinking can produce a satisfactory answer. So I’d say the best way to deal with such a thing is to cry a river, build a bridge and get the hell over it. Life is too short to willingly strand yourself on a deserted island when paradise is just a few steps away. 

Of course, when I say it is essential we feel more and think less to live the full human experience, it is in the context of relationships. There are exceptions, moments when you’ve just got to use your head instead of your heart, like choosing between an obvious red flag (I’m talking dangerous, might-get-kidnapped kinda red) of a Tinder match or the sweet and nerdy cutie in your math class. Admittedly, I am writing this as someone who still struggles getting in touch with their emotions. I also can’t provide any quick cures in a 500-something word article, because there are none. These patterns are hard to get out of but please be patient with yourself because you deserve to be treated gently. So dear reader, I will meet you on the brighter, warmer side, once we both leave our comfort zone and feel all there is to feel in this life.