As a lesbian, I watch most trending men pass me by. I can’t say they’re not conventionally attractive, but very rarely will I find myself clicking ‘Read more’ to find out more about them. However, one recent trend has caught my attention: hear-me-out cakes. Done alone or with friends, every person picks a couple of unconventional characters (whether they’re human, anthropomorphic, or neither), prints them out, and sticks them on a cake, before they’re given the opportunity to defend why they are attracted to this victim in particular. In an attempt to keep this somewhat relatable and non-controversial, I’ve created a list of male fictional characters that are appealing to me that I’ve had to defend on a multitude of occasions. 

Let the trials begin! (The following list is not in any particular order.)

1. Optimus Prime (Transformers) 

Starting off the list strong with a conventionally attractive character is Optimus Prime. Convince me not to like him for his noble, self-sacrificing character and his deep voice; spoiler alert, you can’t. Not only is he thoughtful and well-spoken, but he also has a seriously cool transforming sequence (if you haven’t seen it, go watch it). The Internet also describes him as having an “undying commitment” to peace and compassion, which is just a perfect blend in a partner. The last born of the original Thirteen Transformers, Optimus Prime is a crucial cornerstone of the Transformers franchise. He seems like a sweet guy to take on a romantic walk by the beach in the evening with only the seagulls and the waves for your company. Also, robots, anyone? 

2. Venom (Venom)

If I’m honest, I’ve yet to see a hear-me-out cake that doesn’t have Venom yet. I’m not exactly sure what that says about us, but I can’t say he’s a bad choice. He’s ambitious, willing to pursue his goals at any cost (which clearly means he’s committed and a natural go-getter), and openly speaks about anything that pleases him (meaning he’s honest and open to communication). What’s not to love? (He also has an impressive tongue, which really enables you to have deep and thoughtful conversations with him.) 

3. The Magic Carpet (Aladdin)

A bit of an odd choice, I’m sure, but the magic carpet in Aladdin is kind, trustworthy, and undeniably loyal. Carpet, made by a magical sorcerer a thousand years before the story of Aladdin happens, is incredibly pure of heart and able to play around with his friends around him. Throughout Aladdin’s entire journey to woo Jasmine, he’s right there beside them, whether to bring them on a sightseeing romantic carpet ride or to uncover Jafar’s ruses and save them from danger. In terms of sidekicks, he’s just the right type of guy (carpet?) I’d pick to be by my side and go on a romantic carpet ride with.

4. Gill (Finding Nemo)

I know what you’re thinking: he’s a fish. And to that I say, so what? Though grim and angsty on the front, Gill is shown to be humorous (like when he plays volleyball with Bloat) and deeply passionate towards those he cares about, undyingly chasing freedom. He’s a ‘gangster’ with a pure, soft heart, ultimately hardened by his circumstances and previous events. He cares for and wants to help Nemo, pushing him to succeed as best as he can, despite his own inability to escape. 

5. Lord Shen (Kung Fu Panda)

Lord Shen, ever since his first appearance with his sweeping robes and immaculately white feathers, was mystifying for Child Me. He is prideful and yearns deeply to be ‘superior.’ He’s beautiful, and the perfect violence-driven antagonist to Po’s wit and compassion. And he’s voiced by Gary Oldman, who was also my crush as Sirius Black, so what’s not to love (outside of his glaringly wrong faults)? 

6. Cadenza (the piano from Beauty and the Beast)

Before you say anything, I just want to point out that this is Stanley Tucci, okay? And if I had decided to make a celebrity list, Stanley Tucci would also be up there. For sure. So let’s talk about Cadenza, who’s the sweet husband to Madame de Garderobe in the live-action Beauty and the Beast and her piano accompaniment as she sings and performs. He is a lively, youthful, and humorous artist, challenging Cogsworth when he requests that he play quietly so as to not alert the Beast. He’s sarcastic, naturally charming, and fights to see his wife again, showing his dedication to not only his perfected craft but also the love of his life. J’adore! 

7. Anton Ego (Ratatouille)

Humbled after his first bite of the ratatouille Remy prepares in Ratatouille, Anton Ego, the famed “Grim Eater,” is brought back to the familiar dish his mother used to make for him. He has high expectations for food and is highly knowledgeable on the subject. After Linguini opens up his new restaurant La Ratatouille, he is a changed man, choosing to finally believe Gusteau’s slogan of ‘Anyone can cook!’ It’s an oddly romantic notion to see him be compassionate and devoted to his craft, after finding that one can balance both kindness and ambition.

8. Julius Caesar (from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar)

“Et tu, Mei?” is what you’re saying right now. All Shakespearean tragedies unveil their endings before they even begin, the one who ultimately dies is contained in the title. I can’t really explain what draws me to Caesar from Shakespeare’s play, but he is deeply complex as a tragic character, fostering turmoil in even his closest friend’s heart. Perhaps it is not his character that is attractive, but the enriching and deep writing his character makes him out to be. Then fall (in love with me?), Caesar! 

9. Red Hood (Jason Todd from DC) 

My ultimate crush, and we should be grateful it’s not an animal or an anthropomorphic being (or at least, that’s what my friends say). Where to begin with Jason Todd? As Robin, he was admirably cheerful and determined, though he came from an austere background in comparison to both his predecessor (Dick Grayson) and successor (Tim Drake). He’s fueled by his rage and morality, ultimately with the same goals as his adoptive father, Batman, but not by the same means. He’s sharp, witty, and ambitious, realistically approaching his objectives with a solution that is functional though iron-willed. He has a good heart, wants to help others, and is deeply emotional though silent about it—making him an excellent partner, although it may take some time to coax him to be comfortable. 

10. Garcia (Red One)
Hear me out? More like–bear me out. Yes, he’s the bear, and no, I will be taking no further questions at this time. I figured an enigmatic but somewhat fitting character would be the perfect ending for this list. Garcia’s a strong, witty, and empowering team member, dedicated to his job and E.L.F. If you haven’t watched his interview, go ahead and do so. I know it’s been somewhat wild and a little odd (maybe more than a little), but I hope that this diverse list has opened your eyes slightly to the world that awaits you out there.