Creative

Satire: U of T graduates more likely to be fired, always ten minutes late to work

Maclean’s annual university ranking was released this month and, unsurprisingly, the University of Toronto rose to the top of each category, including a new category called, “Schools with Most Late Students.”

Maclean’s analyzed alumni data from all Canadian universities and found that while University of Toronto graduates were more successful, nearly 90% had been dismissed from a job at least once,” wrote Maclean’s. Of the students fired, Maclean’s found that the reason was almost always due to the graduates’ inability to show up to work on time. Using employment data collected by the University of Toronto, The Innis Herald found graduates were, on average, ten minutes late every day.

Several graduates were interviewed on the impact of the university’s policy to start classes ten minutes after the hour, dubbed “U of T time.” Jim Chipman, a graduate who was recently dismissed from his position at Ontario Liberal Party, stated, “I honestly forgot that the rest of the world doesn’t operate that way. How was I to know time works differently in the outside world?”

“It kinda feels like my whole body has just adapted to the time difference, ya know? What is that called again? Circular rhythm? Yeah, it’s like my entire circular rhythm is messed up,” said Liam Wong. It was long suspected that U of T time had detrimental effects on students. Timi Sofa at U of T’s Centre for Biological Timing and Cognition has been a long-time advocate for removing U of T time. “U of T time is holding students back. Many spend years confused that classes aren’t starting at the time that they are listed to start.”

Another graduate, Kerry Wright, found the issue to be more technical. “I had spent hours reprogramming my phone and laptop to always show the time ten minutes behind. Now I forget how to revert that.” Kerry ended up buying a new laptop and phone before she ended up showing up to work on time.