The Monarchy Edition

The column in which we question some seemingly outdated or outrageous traditions and conventions of modern day society.

The English monarchy is one of the longest reigning throughout history. But what are the criteria for maintaining such a successful line of royals? Kings and queens are mere mortals, but the idea of powerful sovereign carries on. The average life span of a royal is typically 12.73 years longer than that of a commoner due to their extravagant lifestyles, lack of stress, and access to servants who do everything to make their lives easier. Because the succession to the throne is fairly linear, one can inherit it most commonly through retirement or death. Queen Elizabeth II was most recently named the longest reigning monarch in Britain, surpassing Queen Victoria. With no sight of retirement in the near future, Elizabeth II sure is one hell of a workaholic. Now, this can mean one of two things: first, that she is either a greedy narcissist who cannot bear the thought of handing her gold staff over to her son, or second, that she is making her son wait for the throne for as long as possible as pay back for divorcing Diana and wedding an old commoner, bringing both embarrassment and bad genes into the royal family.

The basis of monarchy is built on tradition. Once vital elements in a society, the royal family now act as figureheads reigning over what seems like nothing more than Buckingham Palace. Tradition is what keeps the Queen and her family on top of a 500 million dollar pile of money paid mostly by British taxpayers, many of whom are not fans of this tradition. The Queen is basically the face of the country, similar to Kate Moss for Burberry or Kendall Jenner for Balmain. They essentially exist for promotional purposes.

Only to add more problems, sexism is clearly still alive and well within the gates of the palace. While a woman who marries a king adopts her husband’s title to become queen, the reverse is not true. Therefore, Queen Elizabeth II is married to a mere Prince Philip, which kind of sounds like the twisted fantasy of a mature woman getting with a younger man.

And if all of that didn’t convince you to reject the concept of monarchy and realize that it is completely useless in the 21st century then perhaps this will: no member of the royal family carries a surname. Why the heck not? They adopt names that represent their houses or dynasties. For example: Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales and Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales. One would imagine that, with the lack of a surname, your first and middle names would be much more creative than Henry, Charles, or Catherine (there have been 5 named Catherine, by the way).

There is, however, one thing that the royal family has consistently provided us with: plenty of magazine spreads filled with highly attractive men and scandalous stories for our gawking pleasure.

Featured image courtesy of  Veronica Prokopovych