During this past exam season and going into the Christmas holidays, I took time to reflect on the year that was then coming to a close. So much had changed for me within those twelve months, and it all coalesced into a brilliant collage of the year that had been. New friends. New experiences. A new relationship. And through it all, so much change within myself. Surely, the year ahead would begin with yet more positive experiences and continued strengthening of relationships. Surely.

Instead, as I write this, I am heartbroken and lost. The rate of change in my life just couldn’t seem to slow down, and the brilliant spark in my life that was love and my relationship is suddenly gone. I’ve cried. I’ve despaired. And everyday, I long for what I have lost. Every day, I worry that I’ll never again find what I once had. Every day, I’m terrified by the prospect of loneliness. Sometimes, there’s nothing I want more than to turn back the clock to relive even the most simple moments, when life wasn’t so painful. 

Despite all that I’ve lost, I can’t help but to gain perspective and feel oddly grateful. My relationships have made me happier than I ever thought I could be, even while their ending has left me more despairing than I ever thought I would be. Love has changed me in so many ways, and I’m all the better for it. Love has made me more empathetic, more emotionally expressive, and a better friend and partner. Love has challenged me in ways I never could have imagined, not just emotionally, but in unexpected ways including socially and intellectually. Love has made connections possible with other people on a level I once thought impossible. My friends have noticed this too, even remarking on just how much I’ve grown and changed in the time they’ve known me. I am a product of the relationships I’ve been a part of, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly have my fair share of regrets, and I don’t go a single day without examining countless ways I could have done certain things differently. But from all of this experience, I have formed some new ideas to share on the often tumultuous and unpredictable world of relationships. 

First, to the bystanders and cautious participants: I completely understand you. For the longest time, I was one of you. I once thought that I would never find anything remotely resembling a strong romantic relationship, and yet I have. My heart has been cracked wide open, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but I understand if you choose to leave serious relationship-building for after you graduate, or perhaps even later. Your priorities are your priorities, and nobody should be telling you anything different. If you’re academically ambitious, want to remain focused on school, and/or want to get your career started without inviting the abject chaos that is love and relationships into your life, by all means. Be your best self. Aggressively pursue your own goals. But never forget: there will always be a place in your life for love, friendship, and companionship, and there are always people out there ready to fill those roles for you. I only encourage you to remain optimistic about the future and not forget about the meaningful role love has to play, whether you choose to seek it out now or not.

Next, to those who are in relationships: don’t take a second of what you have for granted. Too many relationships fail based on the complacency of one or both parties; this isn’t just true of romantic relationships but also friendships. Make an effort. Set goals. Be a team. Communicate. Spend time together. Do whatever it is that you think will not only sustain your relationship, but make it stronger. If you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, do some self reflection and identify possible solutions. If you think there’s any chance at all of saving something meaningful, try to. Don’t give up. But if the relationship is truly and completely broken, don’t drag it out. Sometimes, despite how hard it can be, it’s truly best to move on.

Finally, to the lovelorn and heartbroken: never lose hope. I know now, better than ever, that the despair can seem insurmountable. Love and loss are a powerful combination, and they can and will knock you out flat. There will no doubt be challenging times ahead, and odds are you’re going to feel emotions you never wanted to feel in quantities you didn’t believe possible. But time is on your side. Take the time to process, and always remember that others are there to support you. Turn to your friends and family, and remember that even if things aren’t working out for you romantically, there is still plenty of love in your life. Above all, even at your lowest moments: keep believing. Keep believing in chemistry, in chance encounters, in new experiences and people, and especially in yourself. Take it from me (someone who’s been through two breakups in the past year with absolutely no reason to be optimistic): there’s love out there for everyone. Life is chaos and the future is entirely uncertain, yet people, every day, keep finding love and building relationships. Yes, oftentimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s because of timing, sometimes it’s compatibility, sometimes it’s unrequited feelings, and yes, unfortunately, sometimes it’s the indifferent and cruel machine that is this university making it damn near impossible to build anything that lasts. Sometimes, most heartbreaking of all, love itself isn’t enough. Love is uniquely challenging, and can only be described as the hardest thing that we as people do. But precisely because it’s the hardest thing we do, it’s also the best thing that we do. Love is an active process, not a passive one, and the fact that we keep finding love and engaging in meaningful relationships is a true testament to the human condition. No matter what may lay ahead, no matter what emotional turmoil may come your way, remember that in this world, love exists for everyone. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.